I can only promise accidental racism/ sexism/ homophobia and tolerance of the fucking retarded today. So please stay with me in this one, I will try not to infuriate any minority groups or subgroups in this missive but if I do, please remember I’m gunning for you all.
Yay as I walk through the shadow of the valley of death (well Woodhorn Villas) I shall try not to make eye contact with any of the demon spawn for fear they will follow me home and shut through my letterbox. (Yea it’s one of those). You see I forgot that school finished at around the time I went walkabout. To be honest I didn’t think any of those little FuckKnuckle s actually attended classes. Evidently the Pru still does uniforms!
Travelling this hinterland, you get the realisation that life, in all its glorious technicolour, isn’t as bad as you think. If you have a pound in your pocket you are as well off as a one eyed man in a blind school. But you must be wary of darkened corners and solitary side streets where trouble is only a App tap away.
Three biker boys (well, Halfords skip bin specials) cast a steady gaze in my direction as I skipped past with gay abandon. Their dominant uniform of JD special tracksuit bottoms contrasting their shiny puffy jackets, with hoods up I may say, even though the sun is cracking the pavements today, added to that, the ubiquitous baseball cap UNDER the hood and the scarf tightly wound around their lower faces. A true sight to behold and I bet you have all seen the like around your doors too.
Not to be outdone, the girls have bagged their own special somethings to wander the tar baked streets too. I must proffer this first, if the cap fits… tuff. Have a word with your inner self and sort your wardrobe out. Black flat shoes, always flat black shoes or slippers. Okay, flat black shoes or slippers showing the true horror of the lockdown… hairy ankles! And I don’t mean stubble, I mean full on Wookiee legs! Black Lycra trousers that don’t know where the rolls of skin ends and the black shiny puffy jacket (odd that) with a huge furry bit on the hood. I have no idea what they wear under that as I’ve always ever seen them with that jacket zipped up to the gills. What I can say is that they all look like will have bad backs in the near future, maybe good enough for disability benefits when the kids grow up and the child benefit stops!
Lastly today, my Merry jaunt took me past the local dive bar engorged with all manner of plebeian (yes I was there on Saturday for me breakfast, but I never said I was perfect) I got to thinking about the gentle folk that stood around, lay around, staggered around sans masks and ignoring all socially acceptable distance rules. Wondering how they would react if the laws were actually mandated by the bar staff. I know the country is in free fall at the moment what with everyone jumping on the ‘we’re freeee’ wagon, but I can’t help but think that when this pandemic shite is all over, no one will really give two fucks about what others do. As long as they get to be all they aspire to be and rape the government for the pleasure.