A Bird in the Whatsit

Another day, another… something, I don’t know. Just make the end of that sentence up if you want, or, if you don’t want, don’t bother. No seriously, do as you please. It seems every fucker else on this god forsaken planet does!!! Walkers, old people, kids, car drivers, bus drivers, dogs, cats, bees, wasps. You name it, it’s pissed me off today already (and that’s BEFORE my coffee break)

Enough of my waking minutes today already! Let me regale you with my exploits of the last 24-48 hours. Yesterday I drifted into North Shields (it may have been Tynemouth I have no idea) searching for food. I wanted pie and chips. Not a difficult choice but one I really yearned for. Anyhoo! I found a chip shop (wherever the fuck I was) and bought fish and chips! (Pensioners special) yup, fuck you all. I’m a pensioner!

As I sat, on me tod, on a HUGE table, I was accosted by two old sacks of dust and worthers originals. Seeing as I haven’t got a manny and daddy anymore, I invited them to join me at the table (as seating was at a premium) hoping the wouldn’t talk to me, I returned to my scrumdiddliumptious meal. Well of course they spoke to me didn’t they, I’m a nice chap!

Okay, so I entered into a dialogue with the old dear opposite me and for the life of me, I never had a clue what she was droning on about. But it seemed to make her smile that I listened (I have that knack of looking like I’m interested) As I finished me last chip, my excuses were made and I clambered over the two sets of scaffolding that had kept these old buggers walking.wanting to rid my nostrils of lavender, I went to pay.

Approaching the till, I was asked if I wanted the bill split! Well that confused the fuck out of me as I have only ever done that when I’m out with a group, pissed, in the Indians. Eventually I worked out that the staff couldn’t really do two parties at the same table…too many sums to math!!! BUT! I remembered why I had asked the old dears to sit with me! They reminded me of parents no longer with us. So fuck it, I paid for theirs and told the waitress not to say anything until they had finished. It was my pleasure.

But today!!!!!! Fuck everyone!!!!

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