Bob the builder, can we…….fuck off!

I hate building stuff with others involved! They become instant subject matter experts and lead you up the wrong un! It doesn’t help when the instructions are in Klingon and random order! And it’s raining, and they get wet, and your hearts not really into it this morning, and……. Well, you get the idea! It may have been more profitable to get someone in to do the whole lot for me! But no, I had an offer I wasn’t going to refuse! A woodworker! Who else could be better than a woodworker?

Any fucker! That’s who! Now I’m not blaming my mate, it took two of us to ignore the instructions and start off on the wrong foot! To be honest, we both looked at the huge gap at the bottom of the shed and couldn’t make out why it was there! Ventilation? Damp proof? IF we had turned the page, we would have noticed that the blocks of wood on the bottom of the sheets was meant for transport only and should be removed before the build takes place 😦 WANK! 

 If you look closely, you will see the the base looks off the floor! Of course it was! And the roof is already on. If you ever buy a shed (I never had and I won’t again) make sure you either read EVERY page first, or buy a ready made one! When my help left for another job, I studied the floor plan! Then started kicking the walls out so they fit the floor! WRONG! As I wasn’t reading the instructions at all now, the walls started NOT FITTING, and when I say not fitting, I mean at least four inches out! (I still thought the way it says to put it up was a load of bollocks) so with the sides falling away and smashed, the frame buckled, I left for a cup of tea!
 Settling into the art cafe at the end of Newbiggin, I breathed and started to relax, right up to the point these fuckers got their bloody guitars and banjos out! Old sea shanties abounded then a couple (a couple who needed slapped) started to sing there own songs during the interludes, it was going fine until the woman started warbling with her eyes closed! My tea and tea cakes made a rapid retreat when I couldn’t stand anymore! So it was time to pick up some leathers from the alteration place and drive back home to my monstrosity!   

Well. I used to be a ‘fixer fairy’ in the army. Guys would break a vehicle, go to bed and when they awoke the vehicle was fixed! I would, however, would have to work through the night AND day without any notice. So when I got back home and found my shed put back together I went straight over to my helpers house to say thanks but he wasn’t answering! Oh well! I could put the doors on!!! Hahahhahah! Has anyone hung double doors before? It’s a bastard to do ONE! But two! After about two hours I just nailed the fuckers open so they don’t swing in the wind and folk can see there’s nothing inside the shed to Nick for tonight. 

So tomorrow is a ‘fettling’ day! Get the roof on, remove the ‘transport lugs’ then screw the base on! Oh and probably move it to where I want it! When it drys I will get the rainbow paint on it and fit  the alarm! I hate woodwork, I really do! 

Published by dec247h

Ex soldier, father, party girl and generally nice guy taking time out to do as he pleases! one day i will make it back to the UK, but i aint in a hurry!

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