The days that were once filled with running round in the car, constantly breathing in the exhaled smoke from my father have all gone now. We used to talk about his memories, what he and his family did, where his friends and he used to go for a drink. Anything really, all he wanted was the company and in the time i have spent back in the UK, I have spent most of it with him. A huge hole has opened up in my life now. I wake and find I have nothing to do anymore. I would have given him the chance to rally around and get himself sorted before giving him a ring to see how things were going. Earlier on in his cancer he would have driven around to my place to pick me up for our “Adventures”, later on he couldn’t even walk to the front door.
It’s strange that in a few short days, your health can turn dramatically, I say strange, I really mean scary. It bloody well scared me, I can tell you. At first it was finality that was eons away, then little by little the cracks appeared. In the end the life force was being ripped from him, and he allowed it to leave. Not wanting to carry on but to rest his body with no more hurt. Except inside it hurts more than anyone could know (unless you’ve lost both parents of course) now it feels as though a void has appeared in my soul. Both parents leaving their children alone in this world. I may be an adult but the fact that I can’t ask my dad for help, or his opinion cuts deep
When my mum passed away a couple of years ago he just didn’t have the heart to carry on. Although we tried everything to fill his days up so we could take away the emphasis of his loss, it just didn’t work. He had been with his childhood sweetheart for more years than I could imagine and now to be suddenly parted from her, well it destroyed him. Ate away at his heart and soul until it was too unbearable. The different ailments old age entertains were abound but the big C raised its head and finally felled him. He wasn’t given a definite time scale, but it took only a few months to undermine his resolve. Then the end came quickly and peacefully.
I’ll miss the old bugger immensely, I’ll miss his grumpiness, his humour, his cheeky smile and his laugh. He laughed a lot while we drove. He worried about me, he worried about how I was doing, he worried about anything else rather than himself. That was for the rest of us to do. He loved my motorbike, he talked about the days when he would ride, so I made him one promise. When his body is but ash, I shall ride to him, put him in my backpack and take him around the areas we used to drive around. Then I’ll take him to his childhood heart to stay there with her for eternity