It was only a winters tale

Christmas, yes CHRISTMAS not holidays or whatever the modern fad is these days as to ensure no one is offended! Christmas has been and gone. Santa has been into houses and deployed all sorts of shite for spoilt kids who’s parents are on benefits (and they don’t care because the world OWES them a living). Now I know that sounds like a rant, and I suppose it is really, but as you scan the interweb, scour the social media groups for pictures of merriment and happy people you will inevitably find the gargantuan pile of consumer debt propped up against catalogued settees and tinselled trees from Argos. I’m sorry if you fit into this demographic, I actually became part of that a few years ago and vowed never to let it happen again. Anyway, I’ve taken me tablet, so now I’m all good 😃.

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My Christmas period started with a fantastic few days with Emma in Newcastle (unfortunately she wasn’t feeling too well (we will find more about this later)) a lot of new experiences were gained and seen during this time (get your minds OUT the gutters) I didn’t know you could wonder around a HUGE castle keep near the river, and we saw the millennium bridge raised twice (with the added concern of two Christmas elves on jet skis playing around under it) I had promised her snow and cold northern weather, so it was inevitable that the temptress never went below ten bloody degrees! A suitcase full of winter clothes just weren’t really needed for once in the north.

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That photo sort of sums up both our health in this wintery weather. When Emma left (after changing her trains because of illness) I thought I had escaped the lurgy. I’ve never been WRONGER. Anyway, santy fell off my roof and left some pretty lovely things under me tree (from wilkinsons, yes i relented. I was NEVER going to buy into the corporate corruption that is shamefully shallow, but I do like a bit of tac) trouble is, the star on me tree is hitting me ceiling and sort of bending me tree to the right. (Nearly time to take it down now anyway) so my first Christmas at my own place! By myself! FML, never again 🙂 dinner at me sisters was the usual gut busting affaire and tasted bloody lovely tbh. I Didn’t want to drink, so a coffee was my poison. Again, a first. Maybe because the night before I had drank copious amounts of JD whilst celebrating me birthday. Breakfast at my brothers sort of cheered me up to the extent I was ready for my nap before lunch.

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The days after Christmas spread past, Boxing Day again at me sisters, this time with the old man in attendance, but again, no alcohol. I waited until the Saturday night before another Jack session. With the obligatory Chinese takeaway later. From that day, my health started to fade. The smelly farts are usually a precursor to an upset stomach, but no! There was nothing untowards, the slight dry throat warned me of a possible cough appearing, then it hit like a frikkin tsunami. I woke up, coughed couldn’t breath, thought I was going to die of asphyxiation (try explaining that in a house alone) what seemed like an age later, I was able to wheeze in a modicum of sweet air to get the old lungs back into action. Well that wasn’t expected. I knew this winter cold thing was a bit of a bugger, but FFS I really thought I was gonna die! This happened another four times (stopped breathing) so as I only live across the road from A/E, it was time to run like a tall Indian. As I waited in the hospital, I coughed, stopped breathing and just sat there waiting to turn blue and fall off the seat (maybe this will convince someone that something just wasn’t right) eventually the doctor called me and told me everything was fine, I just had a really nasty cough to go with my flu symptoms. Nasty,,,,NASTY!!!! It was stopping me from doing the things that we as human beings sort of take for granted. Of course he told me that it would be scary, but I won’t die!!! Well if a doctor says this sort of things, you tend to listen!!!!! As I got home I managed not to die, but I coughed (my arms felt like they were falling off) every muscle in my chest spasmed!!

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After seeing new year in (on the telly with Emma on line) I had to disappear to me pit. I awoke on New Year’s Day in a puddle (sweat, not wee) and felt like crap! Every drug I could lay my hands on (only legal ones for me chef) was thrown down my throat (unfortunately the night nurse had the added effect of closing my windpipe for me, again I stood thinking I was going to die) I sat on the kitchen floor i case I passed out and fell over! My breath started again!! (Obviously! This isn’t written by a ghost writer). Well this day is THE day in the years event for Ashington. Everyone goes out from morning until late evening to the pubs and clubs. Meeting mates they haven’t seen for 365 days (tbh, since Christmas Eve) spending time with their loved ones getting stewed then fighting later on. I, however didn’t. I stayed in, watched crap telly and dosed myself up to the eyeballs with everything from aspirin to zytol. My lasting memory of New Year’s Day 2015 will be standing in my kitchen, coughing so hard that my chest, my arms, my back and my arse…….MY ARSE spasmed. It really felt like someone HD taken a bat to my entire body in one fell hit. This time I DID fall over! Due to shock, nothing else. That was endex for me. Bed called and again I woke in a puddle.

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That’s it from me for now. I’m installing within myself he will to survive this, but if I’m honest (and sometimes I do elaborate) I feel for anyone who has had this flu, especially the old and infirm. If you know anyone who is susceptible, please check on them, it ain’t funny. I haven’t seen me dad since I’ve had this as I don’t want him to catch it HE WILL DIE, and that’s just not in the book. Have a fantastic 2015 wherever you end up, love what you have, who you have and especially who you are.


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