Starting with the ever present sea dives off the shore (ladders) we descended the briney seaway into the fish sprem infested water. Mind you that was after we were given a trial by DVD and death by quiz in the classroom. I was given the tasking of underwater search and recovery speciality. I mean, what the f#ck do I know about search and recovery from Davy joneses locker? Possibly a little more than my buddy for starters I suppose. 15 years in the Army, 9 of them as a Sargent gives me a bit of a head start when working in buddy pairs I suppose. The knowledge reviews were knocked out in no time and the father Christmas of the class, (I’ll call him this because he LOOKS like Santa Claus, too friggin jolly too,) laughing at his own jokes is always for losers!!!!! Carried on lamenting us with his past glories in the RAF SAS
But I wasn’t downhearted, I had to buddy up with the new Dive Master trainee. Now I don’t believe in sour grapes, I don’t believe in many things really, but if this person was in a patrol with me, she would have been shot and buried in a shallow grave somewhere in the desert, probably just out the camp gates actually. First she couldn’t tie a knot under water (I’ll give her the benefit of any doubt as it IS difficult I must say, but once you have sorted it, it’s NOT difficult) how much more wronger could I be?????? At the objective, she couldn’t do it even when I gestured to her to calm the f#ck down and think logically. But before that we were sent to do a search pattern for a recovery task.
My compass reading is spot on even if I must say so myself, I can find a bearing in the dark (as long as my compass lights up of course) and as I was a soldier for so long, you would expect that wouldn’t you? My understanding of conducting a u shaped search pattern isn’t an idea so convoluted that it is impossible to follow,,, it’s a f#cking search pattern in the shape of a U. Again, how wrong wa I? We ended up in a squishy mess, over walls and everywhere else imaginable. Now if this person is reading this ( and I don’t really care if they are or not) if you were on MY wagon, you would have been punched square in the face for the pointlessness of your activities this morning. but don’t be too bad on yourself, we made up for it with the afternoon mess about for you on the skin diver course.
Enough, just enough! Today was like an old school briefing and general mess about on a course in the army. Twatfull when it’s going on, but relief when it’s done, and at this very moment I’m getting just the same at home too she’s going to get a thump!!!!!
To all my friends and family wherever you may roam X