Not even six

Fml, self service bag check in, what’s next, Fly yourself abroad? It’s coming , like death and taxes it’s coming. Or we’re going to have to holiday in our back yards as travel gets stricter. I don’t think it matters for now as the calibre of traveller is definitely going down hill. Show your passport and boarding card (or phone) go to the weight station (I don’t know why I’m restricted in what the mass of my luggage is when I see the families snorting Greggs pasties in the line behind). However! Even the simplest of directions confuse the masses at this time of morning. 

Put your bag in the scale and follow the on screen instructions. Easy right? Fucking wrong. Scan your boarding pass, the difficult ones first I reckon. Many retard not having a clue, upside down, wrong way round, if it’s on the phone they haven’t a clue! dropping shit (that was me) and eventually having to transfer shit from one bag to another because folk can’t add up. 

After you’ve weighed your own shit you need to wobble to the actual ‘legacy’ (you know, where you used to check in) desk to put the stickered cases on the little belt that fucks them off into wherever. This is of course only if you’ve placed the stickers on your shit properly and have listened to the instructions. There we go… more instructions for the in initiated. At least 30% fucked this up and needed assistance. Seriously, watch the faces fall when they start doing shit before they know what they are supposed to do. 

Once that little debacle is out of the way, it’s security time. Now this is getting easier I must admit… if you follow directions! No more debagging your electronics. Just place your hand luggage in a tray, empty your pockets and a quick scan by a huge x ray machine (it can’t be good for frequent flyers). Again, directions. I know I was in the military. But surely if someone who knows what you’re supposed to do… actually helps you to do what YOU’RE supposed to do why not, you know, DO IT!  Just stand back if you can and watch folk fuck this up too. It’s even better when someone’s bag doesn’t get put in the ‘good’ line and they wonder where it’s gone because all they had in it was stuff they weren’t supposed to have in it. 

I’m just here gawking with happiness actually because I DID follow instructions and I DID get through the whole laborious procedure with scant delays. So now to breakfast. I used to wonder why everyone posts pictures of a pint ‘because it would be rude not to’ After ordering the ‘Breakfast’ I can understand why. Undercooked sausages that had never been turned for as long as the lighter they were grilled above was on, beans that should be left on Aldis ‘whoopsie’ shelf (if they had one). A lonely halved tomato that fried too as soon as it was hacked open with the wooden knife you’re given. Scrambled eggs that wouldn’t look out of place at a McDonald’s. Some sort of green pepper hash (I always thought hash browns were meant to be crispy) sour dough bread that could have actually been sour (not butter in sight) a pile of greenery that was cast aside and the crowning glory… the most anemic bacon from the roughest part of the pig they could find. All for the princely some of twenty of our best pounds sterling. (And you don’t even get a cup of tea) THATS why I think folk drink before six in the morning at the airport.